We all make choices about how to act, even if we're not aware of making them.

Men who have used violent and controlling behaviour against their partner sometimes try to avoid responsibility. For example, they often say they 'just lost control'.

But these same men can usually turn off their behaviour towards a partner if someone else arrives.

If someone knocked on the door when I was pushing her around, I would instantly become Mr Nice Guy, but the second they left, I would start exactly where I had left off. STEVE [37 years] 

While men sometimes say they 'just explode', they usually don't do this at random. For example, most men who are violent to their partners don't:

• abuse their workmates when they are feeling frustrated
• humiliate their friends when they are feeling insecure, or
• smash things in public places when they are feeling angry.

Men can and do make choices to act differently in different settings and with different people. Often when men feel anger they don't decide to use violence. Recognising this opens up the possibility that — with help — you can choose to treat those you care about better in the future.