Information for women about men's behaviour change programs

This page contains a range of information on men's behaviour change programs - the main option available for men to obtain professional help to work towards changing their behaviour.

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You and the Men's Referral Service

The Men's Referral Service is a telephone helpline dedicated to stopping men's violence against women.

You are very welcome to call the Men's Referral Service on
1800 065 973 (free call within Victoria) or (03) 9428 2899.

Your call is free, anonymous and confidential.

Our male telephone counsellors often take calls from women seeking information and support. You are very welcome to call our service.

If you call us, the telephone counsellor will:

  • believe you
  • support your rights to live freely and without fear, and to make your own decisions and choices
  • give you information about your options
  • talk with you about what your partner could do to change (IF you want to know more about this).
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Talking with him about the Men's Referral Service

If you are thinking of talking with your partner or male family member about him calling the Men's Referral Service or contacting a Men's Behaviour Change Program, we encourage you to talk this through with us first.

Raising the issue of men's behaviour can be difficult and even dangerous. It is best to be prepared in case things don't go well and to give it the best chance that he will listen.

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What is a Men's Behaviour Change Program?

In Victoria and most other states, there are special programs for men who want to stop using violent and controlling behaviour.

Men's Behaviour Change Programs are based on two principles:

  • that women and children have the right to live their lives freely and safely; and
  • that men who deny them this right need to take responsibility for their actions and choose to change.

The people and organisations that offer Men's Behaviour Change Programs know that women and children are never to blame for men's behaviour.

Groups are usually held in settings such as community health centres or family relationship services. They are conducted by two group leaders — one man and one woman. Some groups are open, and men can attend as soon as they feel ready to start. Others are run program-style, and men might need to wait for the next group to start.

Men’s behaviour change groups in Victoria have strict quality control criteria. We do not endorse programs that are not run by members of the peak organisation No To Violence.

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Is he likely to change?

Men's use of violent and controlling behaviour rarely just stops. Your partner or family member might be quite sincere when he promises it will never happen again. Unfortunately, most men find that they cannot keep such promises without support and assistance from others.

Participating in a men’s behaviour change group is no guarantee of change. Some men do give up controlling their partner and stop their use of violence. Others might stop their use of physical violence but continue other forms of abuse or control. Men who attend, but do not really make an effort might not change their ways at all. Others might take a long time to change, or change for a while but slip back into their old ways.

You are the best judge of whether your partner or family member is changing, or changing enough for you. You should make that judgement based on his actions, not your hopes.

You should not base your decisions about whether to stay or go, or about safety, on whether or not your partner or male family member is participating in a behaviour change group.

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What might his participation be like for me?

Many women experience a roller coaster ride of emotions when their male family member participates in a men’s behaviour change group. At different times, you might feel: 

  • encouraged by his commitment to attend and his willingness to share his feelings in a group of men 
  • a justifiable lack of trust in him and the men’s behaviour change process, especially if he has promised to change in the past and/or doesn't seem to be changing much or at all (we encourage you to trust and act on what you are seeing) 
  • guilty and confused about this lack of trust, especially if you were instrumental in his decision to participate in a group.

The Victorian programs that we refer men to always have a staff member who is available to support women. Program providers make contact with the partners or ex-partners of men who want to join their program, to check on their safety, see if they need support, and offer them a chance to tell their stories. You can choose whether and how often to talk to program staff. Anything that women or children tell the worker is confidential.

If you are feeling a bit safer and/or more supported, other feelings might open up. You might feel anger, rage, indignation, pain, a new freedom, fear of the future and hopefulness. On the other hand, you might find that you still feel too vulnerable to remove the barriers that you have put up to keep yourself emotionally safe.

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What about anger management?

Men’s behaviour change groups are for men who using violent and controlling behaviour towards their partner and/or children. Some of these men might have a problem with expressing angry feelings. Others might be experiencing difficulties expressing other feelings, such as fear, anxiety or frustration.

Most people experience anger, but this doesn't mean they use violence or control. Men always make choices everyday about how they express their feelings.

Stopping the use of violent and controlling actions is about a lot more than managing anger. One of the facts that best highlights this is that men who use violent and controlling behaviour towards their partner often don't use it towards anyone else. They can control their anger, but in certain settings, with certain people, they choose not too.

This is why we encourage men who use violence to participate in a men's behaviour change program - not an anger management group.

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What about relationship counselling or mediation?

Men's use of violent and controlling behaviour is about their choices. Choosing to be non-violent and then really making it happen requires very specialised support.

Relationship counselling is based on both parties having a reasonably equal distribution of power. If your partner or family member is using violent and controlling behaviour, you probably won't be able to make fully free decisions or act on your own needs.

If your relationship is in trouble, this is likely to be because of your partner's actions. There might be other reasons for conflict (all couples disagree!), but these are secondary. Until you feel safe enough to talk about your own needs, feelings and perspectives, relationship counselling isn't going to work for either of you.

If your partner or male family member is using or threatening physical violence against you, we strongly recommend you do not suggest relationship counselling to him.

If you are being required to participate in mediation, we encourage you to read these tips.

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